ELEPHANT

I want to talk about love today.  Don't expect any great wisdom from this woman, just a perspective on personal experience, that is both tragic and freeing.  I have a hard time embracing either fully and try to find peace in the reality of the tension that exists between the two.  I am a survivor of love, a cynic in today's world, but open to miracles and surprises.

The country rejoices in the legalization of same sex marriage, and proclamations of love are everywhere.  More and more I see marriage is a legal consideration, it does not a healthy, loving relationship make, and often it is a precursor to bringing dysfunction to the surface.  Of course it is supposed to represent the epitome of all good things, but to me the writing on the wall reads more court process and higher divorce rates.   But let the people go where they will and grow and learn from it.

I am 7 years out of a 15-year marriage.  One in which I struggled through in its entirety.  I may have idealistic views on romance and how connected a husband and wife can be, but it is a vision I cannot surrender, as much as I try to glean from others who seem to be able to co-exist in a marriage with very limited common ground.  Rather than settle for something less than what my heart seeks and yearns for, I prefer to be on my own, enjoying a comfortably-distanced friendship over full-blown commitment.  It certainly leaves one with a hollow in the chest at times, but it is better than the alternative that develops when we commit without really knowing what is at hand or not listening to the very real red flags that pop up but are quashed by our hopes and desires.

Nonetheless, in spite of all my unfruitful efforts, I pray that it will fall into my lap one day because truly, life is better with love in it.  A passionate love that breaks down all your walls and leaves you helpless and completely vulnerable in trust and responsibility to one another.  I have loved this love, and I know how it feels.  Unfortunately, I also know how it feels when it is not reciprocated.

I do seek love and that special one on one shared security and companionship.  I don't know if I will realize it, but I know my heart still swells thanks to the many blessings that surround me.  My experiences inevitably build intimacy with friends and strangers, which unite us with that common Spirit that reflects the deeper yearnings of my heart in its very essence, crossing all boundaries.  What's more they are life-giving and within reach.

When I think about how people frame their journeys; as a mission, escape, adventure, cultural exploration... and if there might not be something to the fact that I am running away from life, I suppose there are elements of all of those things that come into play, but what is important is that it feels like my comfort zone given who and where I am, with the options open to me.

Time, talent and treasures I have, and my conscience is free knowing I have worked hard, am responsible, have the ability to speak several languages and relate to many cultures, I know I have a lot to give to people in terms of hearing them, helping them and being with them on their journeys to some extent.  What's more I feel drawn to these experiences, I see myself living them, and I know that they will provide much in and of themselves in terms of meaning and effect.  There is peace in their pursuit, even though it may not conform to convention.

FOOD AND SHELTER

One of the things that distinguishes travel choice between people is the level of comfort and/or service they expect to have on their experience.  I have several great friends who, as much as we love and appreciate each other, look at me sideways when I talk about some of my pursuits.  The women wonder how I could subject myself to the discomfort that some of them entail and the men usually want to help me find a way to avoid it.

For four years I tried to convince someone to join me in training for an Ironman-Distance triathlon race, and for four years no one seemed remotely interested.  We try to journey out West on our bikes for a week each year and of all the necessities that are provided, I don't think any are more important to me than running water and a decent meal.  The rest is inconsequential.  I don't care who I sit at dinner with, if there is a cafeteria or room service, an outhouse or a spa.  I tend to gravitate to fewer amenities for the levels and depths of experience directly associated with them.  It usually means you are going to remoter areas, with fewer people who share a more specific focus, interest and ability.

The Camino, because of its duration, will be particular in this respect.  I like the idea that I share the same desires for pursuing the walk as many that I have read about (physical, spiritual, intellectual).  I've heard tales of not finding shelter and having to travel several more miles into the night to find a place to rest, bed bugs in some of the hostels, mean dogs along the way...  The thing is, there are  experiences from my past where sleeping in strange places, sometimes infested with insects, rain infiltration, limited food supply, prolonged exposure to the elements - all have become a part of life that I accept and even embrace for the raw nature and feeling of oneness that comes with it.

2-week canoe trips in Algonquin Park carrying 70b packs started it off when I was a teenager.  Spending weeks crossing oceans on small sailboats with two other crew members in all kinds of weather and with carious personalities added to it in my 20's.  Testing and endurance limits in swimming, running, and biking over the last 15 years has given me confidence in pursuing and embracing my goals, whatever they may be and whatever they may bring.  Let us not exclude the kind of contribution that raising two boys on my own can foster in terms of caring, patience, strength, perseverance and resourcefulness!

The window of opportunity is always limited in terms of time and physical ability, but I believe that I have enough of both of those to get through most of my bucket list, and that as the items on that list are pursued, my body will respond positively and that the window of opportunity will be extended and the list will grow as well.

May these posts serve to chronicle the journeys, or at least the hope for them.

WILDERNESS

What is this call to wilderness?  I find myself seeking open or green spaces to rest in at some point in my day.  My body still aches less than my soul does for the benefits of retreat.

A fundamental concept that serves to motivate or demotivate direction is the fact that money, a necessary tool, is a limited factor in the world, no matter how the treasuries or financing entities like to skew things.  There is only a certain amount of money of inherent value, which is enough to go around and clothe and feed everyone on this planet.  So when there are people sick and starving while others are buying yachts and mansions, there is a moral problem.  Inspired by Rich Mullins, I try to live on what the average American makes (which, at the time of this writing is about $50,000/year).  Rather than hoarding, I’ve tried to give work to people who are honest, willing and needing.  I try to find charities to get involved with that are not simply a tax deduction, but actually make a concrete difference in people’s lives and require something more of me that simply writing a check.  Food and shelter need not be superfluous in my life, particularly to the detriment of others.  I don’t see these as sacrifices, they are simply a matter of conscience.

So with the opportunity and ability to withdraw with several options, my first priority is to de-condition myself from the culture of habitual and excessive cell phone, computer and TV dependency that serve primarily to propagate the greater corporate machines that run the world.  For a few weeks, I want to check out, be off the grid and meet people on the same grounds as I used to before it all turned into a huge addiction, with the hopes of entertaining perhaps fewer, but realer relationships.  This is why the Camino is ideal in time and place to set the pace for a life with fewer material needs and attachments, furthering ambitions and abilities for other adventures.  I also like it for the space it will hopefully provide to come out of single-parent survival mode.  Wilderness, manna and mercy, rest, nature - they are what I crave to heal the parts of me that have atrophied as a result of these years of productivity.

Political disclaimer:  I am a citizen of countries other than America, and without a vote.  From infancy I travelled and lived abroad and speak from all my enocunters.  I am grateful for the opportunities here and that the American Dream can be a reality for people as long as they don’t get usurped by it in the process.

BUCKET LIST

One of the many things that helped me get through hard times, times of self-sacrifice and unrelenting demand on all my resources, was to visualize places, events, and people I wanted to know and be a part of.  I started a bucket list on my faithful iPhone appendage that I retreated to every once in a while for inspiration.

The list has gotten big and long.  Probably an indication of the trials and the great wealth of opportunities that lie waiting.  I've been getting to one or two of them a year, but the big ones are still out there.  It seems that in times where I feel my future threatened by circumstance, the list quickly gets prioritized, and also led in new and different directions.

The Bucket List is sacred to its holder and everyone has their own dreams and passions.  The list here represents who I am and what I feel will lead me to affirm and expand those areas of life that have been of great comfort and benefit to me over the years.  Many are related to faith, nature, peace, family, personal history, and adventure.  Most are by bike or foot.  I've tried to list them in no particular order as best as possible apart from the initiation journey on the Camino.

Perhaps one or more will serve to inspire:

Europe:

Hike Camino de Santiago (fall '16)
Bike Cross country
Hike Wainswright a coast to coast Hike
Bike Scotland Northern Route
Hike St. Cuthbert's way
Hike St Olav's way
Hike Ben Nevis
Study at Basel University Peace Institute (Oct '15)
Hike Interlachen & Grindewald
Hike Monte Bianco hut to hut/Villa Serbelloni
Bike Vienna to Prague
Season in Kibbutz
Season in Ireland 
Hike Lech at Anton
Cordon Bleu boulangerie school, Audresselles
Labro Art Monastery Italy 
Pluscarden Abbey Scotland
Laugavegur Route Iceland

Africa:

Fez Music Festival

Asia:

Hike Kumano Kodo Japan
Koran monastery Kathmandu (if it is still there)
One World Retreat Bali

America:

Bike cross country
Hike Pacific Crest Trail
Hike Appalachian Trail
Bike Sonoma, Napa, visit Bolinas
Bike San Juan Islands (July)
Bike Outer Banks
Bike Santa Cruz
Catalina Island
Bike Erie Canal (May)
Bike Boards and Blinds Ride (September)
Ride the Rockies (June)
Holden Village/evening prayer
Rainier Trail maintenance
Big Sur New Camaldoli retreat
Climate Ride (NY-DC September)
Coolworks.com
Workamper.com

Hike Fairyland basin

Bike Moab/White Rim Trail, Durango-Silverton-touray-santa fe, Taos
Suwanee Springfest
Magnolia Festival
Telluride
Newfoundland
Bike Nova Scotia



Central America:


Sayulita
Costa Rica 
Bike repair missions (Benedictine Sisters of Florida, Mercy Center SF)
San Andres Island

Events (health permitting):

Leadville
Badwater
Coyote fourplay
Split Rock
3 Mountain Challenge - Nashville

VECTORS

Who doesn't like bikes?!  As a kid bikes provided me with transportation, camaraderie, health, and income.  I love riding so much, I became a bike courier until I flew over a car I rear-ended while flying down a hill and lost my front teeth.  Then I got cold feet.  

25 years later, working through a divorce, I was able to embrace my passion for riding again.  I was inspired by a divorce recovery class that fostered self-care to some needy individuals, which I went through again two years later to see if I was making any progress :-/  

I dug into my spiritual life and tried to find the places that could help me to get through the personal grief and my sons' needs.  One tool I came across, called the Five F's, has been helpful in maintaining balance and recognizing what I need to work on when its not.  I am not sure who came up with it, I've seen it include two other elements and be in the shape of a ship's wheel for those who are nautically inspired, but I am a cyclist.  So I see a bike wheel.

I also like physics and if you understand each spoke to be like a vector in being "a quantity having direction and magnitude, especially as determining the position of one point in space relative to another" (Google, 2015), then you might appreciate that when one or two of the spokes are out of whack, you can have a pretty a bumpy ride.  

Let's push this a little further and see what it means for relationships, when you have two wheels trying to work together (like a bike!), and how they can impact each other when the vectors have gone awry.

(Arthur's Cycling Clipart, 2015)

So I pack this tool with me wherever I go.  Some environments are less conducive to a "true" wheel than others, and as I look forward, and want to be as intentional as I can be about maintaining balance through the changes that lie ahead.

Practically, this means keeping up with responsibilities to my sons, to their education, to my health, with my habits and goals and wanting that to include elements of faith and friends by association.

With that kind of asceticism in mind, am I still able to indulge in the freedom I seek to live out in less than a year?  I believe I am!

TRANSITIONS

"I don't know what you're doing... but keep doing it."  The perfectly made up and coiffed dental technician said as she rose from her hunched position after inspecting the amount of plaque on my teeth.  Should I tell her that I started smoking since my last visit and that is the reason for the decreased bacteria in my oral cavity?  No, could lead to a whole conversation about all the reasons behind it.  Best let well enough alone and be satisfied with her pleasure and the extremely marginal positive effects of the horrible habit.

I am a single mom turning 50 next year, which coincides with my youngest going off to college and what I am attempting to time as semi-retirement.  Like everyone, I have been fortunate in many ways in my life, unfortunate in others.  I am in a time of transition, or preparation for something new.  What lacks in terms of grounding, allows my adventurous spirit to dream of great pursuits that have long been put off.  I could be full force into launch mode, yet here I am, smoking at age 50, well 49.

A big fan of Joe Campbell's, comparative mythology and the bigger picture wherever I can lay my hands on it, I think about the Hindu Ashram system that describes the three phases of our lives: the student from age 0-24, the producer from age 25-49, the advisor from age 50-75, and how I would like to follow through on that schedule.  Of course, there are challenges, mostly cultural, to living it out.  Fortunately, thanks to my background, beliefs and personality I have managed to maintain relative independence from the external forces in our society that attempt to usurp every bit of self-construct we might pursue for ourselves.

So the purpose of this blog is to help create space in this time of preparation for my thoughts and reflections as I slowly withdraw from the very high demand, time crunched, multi-tasking elements of my life, to get to the great and unconventional place I have planned in my mind's eye.

There are potential challenges that lie in the way.  Though I am relatively fit, there are  physical considerations that could limit my plans in certain respects.  My youngest could get derailed in his senior year and not be able to fulfill our hopes of his going off to college.  I could settle in with the man of my dreams which would be worth altering my plans for.  We could experience a war, hurricane or epidemic.  

All these potentials aside, I remain hopeful that life will continue to prevail as it always has in spite of the unexpected.  I am really excited, a little nervous, and looking forward with the same enthusiasm and definitely more wisdom than I had when I went unknowingly through the prior transition into very deep waters.  Let's hear it for greater awareness and learning how to swim.

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