LIMITS

I am four weeks post-hip-replacement-surgery and I feel a little disappointed in myself.  Granted I am bouncing back better than most and my progress is marked each day, this is a new experience to me in terms of constant nagging pain over so many weeks.  Prior to surgery there was deferred pain to my back that was also constant, which thankfully has now almost all but disappeared.  So why is this side of it that much harder to deal with?  Is it the additional side effects of narcotic medication?  The up and down nature of the recovery where one day I feel wonderful and strong and the next I don't want to move all day?  The fact that my emotions have been peaked by certain elements of the personal relationships in my life becoming more exposed?  Because when the patient goes down, peripheral sources of frustration become even more suppressing than the illness itself.

I've worked as a Chaplain for 7 years and we are trained to focus on the patient and what they need in the moment we are with them.  If only I could gently impart that to those who surround me, in their desire to show concern or care.

To my parents who have never really been a strong presence, all of a sudden want to send me frivolous emails 10 times a day and demand a response.  I am not interested in blasting the Muslims and I've answered your logistical concerns over and over again.  Please give me peace and leave me alone as you have always done.  It is what I am used to.  Anything you could offer you have never really been able to offer, so I thank you for your concern, but status quo is better than my needing to reassure you I am still alive 2500 miles away every few minutes.  I will let you know if something is wrong.  Where is this worry with respect to the other possibly even more critical issued in our midst? Nonetheless I thank you for trying to be present in whatever capacity you are able to.

To my son, a selfish teenager in the apex of his antiauthoritarian phase of life, I apologize for breaking and not taking your mess and irresponsibility in stride like I normally do.  Please try not to make things harder on me by giving me more physical work to do in this limited state.

To my lover and best friend who has led me along a confused path of romanticism for the last 4+ years.  I appreciate your constant presence in the hospital and your help in finding the best course of treatment, but as always you are full on or full off, and it has made my recovery a little harder knowing how you were able to be there so completely for 2 whole days, and then shrank back into the other world you live in, dashing any and all opportunities for progress, yet again.  It hurts more than my wound and I miss you.  If nothing else it continues to direct my future path in alternate directions.

Praise to my friends, who know me, my sense of independence, my vulnerabilities and who respect them in every sense.  Their offers of prayer, to be present, to serve in any capacity without limitation, without presumption or pushiness for their own sense of what I might need is wonderfully appreciated and gives me security in not feeling lost or abandoned.

Finally, to myself, who sometimes thinks that after all I've been through, there isn't much that can take me down.  Knowing I will overcome, regardless, but now experiencing first-hand that the process of aging and the body failing is not to be taken lightly.  To allow myself to slow down as much as I need to deal with this recovery and other eventual shortcomings, and take stock of the things that are lacking or too compromising in my life in order to face those future needs is something to be reckoned with.  It is hard to go through life alone, I hope I don't have to do it much longer.  I am alone amongst my friends in terms of lacking companionship.  It is something I have been trying to work on for a while, and in some ways I have.  In others I feel have fallen short or have been withheld from personal commitment for something yet to be seen, or to be able to give my boys what they need in a critical time where other factors are seriously lacking.  In any case, the recent added focus and effect of this hole in my life is one that needs careful consideration in what the future brings.

Where my bucket list is a wonderful reprieve from much work and sacrifice, it is to be tempered with peace about other areas in life and not to become or looked at as an alternative to the soulful companionship we all need.  A possible addendum to my bucket list pursuits, rather than giving it more power by its omission:  committed partnership with a kind, well-balanced but passionate person.