The best laid plans. I thought I had a natural propensity to adapt to changes more than most, considering I have lived in four different countries and have moved more times than I can remember. I've survived 4 divorces, two of my parents at a young age and two of my own. I've trained my brain in science, business and theology, always hoping to understand most of what comes down the line with the ability to handle it in the best way possible.
In spite of all these contributing assets to the dynamic nature of living, it seems we always have one more lesson to learn, there is always a nudge to grow us a little more each day. Some of us pursue life and growth like an addiction. We would like to get stronger, wiser and whatever we consider to be more and more successful throughout the course of our existence. I like to think my pursuits have achieved that to some extent.
I wonder at this point if I have reached the apex of the physical and the mental. My body cannot keep pursuing more strenuous pursuits without breaking, my mind cannot absorb and retain what it used to, and I know all this because, simply put, I am tired and just don't have the capacity to push any harder or further anymore. Injuries over the last year help me see how fragile it all is and to ensure my ability to enjoy at least some of my bucket list items, I need to be more intentional about limits and resting and healing, difficult for someone who has always been in "go" mode.
I have been resting, taking slower bike rides, paddling. The summer has been difficult for us for several reasons and we have had some unusual down time. Percolating to the surface are all the thoughts, the secondary issues that never even registered when focused on all the usual daily demands. It is an interesting and new place that I am appreciating surprisingly enough. Not everything is so critical to survival anymore. Good thing too, because there isn't much choice in the matter.
We all need to embrace the eventual reality of things changing pace, of not being so caught up in the matters that wear us down. The slow but steady replaces the tackle it and get it done. Acceptance of longer and winding routes from one point to the next becomes the new normal, and there are plenty of great books to catch up on to help us through times that our minds might be outpacing our bodies, and good people to help us through those where our bodies may be outpacing our minds.
My vision for the future has been rocked once again over the last month. I need a new hip. Where my soul was weakened, my body helped give me an outlet to work through the weakness back to strength. Now my body is weakened. I am fortunate to be able to lean on my inner strength to work through the new things I have to accept and adapt to, but it is scary.
The doctor asked me what I wanted activities I wanted to do and I told him about my inaugural Camino walk, and many active vacations. When I heard "I don't see that in your future", my heart sank, only to be lifted slightly by the prospect of a prosthetic intervention. "If you aren't ready to do your walk by next fall with this operation, I won't feel like a good doctor."
Thank goodness I read the Chronic Cyclist this summer. Tom Waite, a former ecology professor a few years my senior, contracted Huntington's Disease and decided to flee his environment to stave off the affliction by riding his Pugsley across the continent over and over. His example and sense of adventure shows me we can adapt the unique circumstances of our lives to most anything we are inspired by.
I have to give up Sister Slice. She is a Cannonade tri bike that I rode 20-25mph for a steady 6 hours on a good day (now you know why my hips are shot). I haven't had one of those in almost a year. She is light and fast and riding her feels like flying. She has been my companion for the last 10+ years and has carried me through the worst of storms, both literally and figuratively. She has given me an outlet to be away from the madding crowd and commune with nature and the Creator and to regain and strengthen my balance.
Earlier this year I purchased a green Trek 520 to cross the country with, which has been sitting in my garage, slowly getting outfitted. A welcoming Brooks B17 saddle ready to pack on the miles, it is still unnamed. I will try to bond with it as part of my recovery. I also like to ride my black 29er (recently named Domino because I can't seem to stay upright on the thing with all the narrow tracks on all those crazy MTB trails). It helps me change pace and perspective and work on reflexes (I don't seem to have any) as shift from fast and hard to slow and easy. I keep in mind the couple who enjoy an 8mph pace on their cross country adventures well into their 60's. Ride on.
A more limited vision forces me to live in moment, day by day, minute by minute some times, and to be open and grateful for what a day can bring, taking pride in going slower so that I can still go, hopefully long into the future, and not getting too disappointed by the limitations. As big a change as has been brought, the opportunities to look forward to remain, and there is always a way to "make it a great day". The not knowing and trusting in the unknown is also new, but it relieves me from too much control and responsibility, something I am trying to let go of anyway. For this too I am grateful.
Friday, June 17, 2016
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
FLIGHT
One of the greatest and often unhelpful personal instincts I have worked hard to overcome over the years has been flight. I am non-confrontational, but passionate (must have something to do with the Irish-Italian heritage).
When I was younger and faced with bad situations, bad choices (my own or others), my instinct was to flee. It was a cycle that never brought any true progress to being more at peace with things, but it did help me survive the immediate. I fled from family, relationships, and eventually I even fled from Montreal (which looking back I think was a necessary precursor to eventual relative peace).
After I had my children, this instinct was greatly suppressed. I knew I did not want to pass on whatever I was carrying from one situation to the next to them, so I stayed and went with the other option: fight. I stayed even when I probably should not have. I stayed through 15 years of an abusive marriage with assistance of 10 different therapists on the sidelines. At least the effort and desire was there to work on it.
My flight response is still very much alive, but the situations are less critical and I use it as a signal to guide me to safety rather than toxicity or distance. There is always the opportunity for me to work on the things that I want to work on, and that is to be in a decent relationship where I can grasp the knee-jerk feelings I get and overcome them for the greater benefit that lies inherent in it, rather than just pushing it aside to accommodate a short-term agenda. I want to continue to grow here.
Part of this is recognizing that I haven't really had the resources (the time or the support) to nurture this while being a single-parent with three jobs, going to school and trying to keep myself sane through a demanding but empowering exercise program. But maybe now I do, and with other challenges and demands giving way, the thought of this great opportunity has been giving me life and hope.
My bucket list dreams are not necessarily impacted by this, the bucket list is not a flight mechanism. It simply reflects a shift in responsibility, from my children which has been the primary focus for the last 20 years, to myself and others. It has also allowed for my head to dream, get inspired and tune into parts of myself that were buried years ago. Sometimes the dreaming is enough, but whenever we can, we should try to put feet to our good thoughts.
I think I am going to be facing some difficult moments in the more personal and less clinical catalytic pursuits of balanced wholeness.
When I was younger and faced with bad situations, bad choices (my own or others), my instinct was to flee. It was a cycle that never brought any true progress to being more at peace with things, but it did help me survive the immediate. I fled from family, relationships, and eventually I even fled from Montreal (which looking back I think was a necessary precursor to eventual relative peace).
After I had my children, this instinct was greatly suppressed. I knew I did not want to pass on whatever I was carrying from one situation to the next to them, so I stayed and went with the other option: fight. I stayed even when I probably should not have. I stayed through 15 years of an abusive marriage with assistance of 10 different therapists on the sidelines. At least the effort and desire was there to work on it.
My flight response is still very much alive, but the situations are less critical and I use it as a signal to guide me to safety rather than toxicity or distance. There is always the opportunity for me to work on the things that I want to work on, and that is to be in a decent relationship where I can grasp the knee-jerk feelings I get and overcome them for the greater benefit that lies inherent in it, rather than just pushing it aside to accommodate a short-term agenda. I want to continue to grow here.
Part of this is recognizing that I haven't really had the resources (the time or the support) to nurture this while being a single-parent with three jobs, going to school and trying to keep myself sane through a demanding but empowering exercise program. But maybe now I do, and with other challenges and demands giving way, the thought of this great opportunity has been giving me life and hope.
My bucket list dreams are not necessarily impacted by this, the bucket list is not a flight mechanism. It simply reflects a shift in responsibility, from my children which has been the primary focus for the last 20 years, to myself and others. It has also allowed for my head to dream, get inspired and tune into parts of myself that were buried years ago. Sometimes the dreaming is enough, but whenever we can, we should try to put feet to our good thoughts.
I think I am going to be facing some difficult moments in the more personal and less clinical catalytic pursuits of balanced wholeness.
Sunday, April 17, 2016
CANOE
We recently had 22 days of straight torrential rain here in Tampa. Our community faired it well with minor mishaps and some great photoshop humor on social networking sites.
I listed my camper just prior to the start of the flooding and was thinking how when I sell this rarely used vehicle, I would use part of the proceeds to pay for my sons' college and treat myself to an ultralight canoe to paddle around the island and navigate the streets when the water rises like this.
I grew up in Canada. Part of my summers was spent canoe tripping through Algonquin Park in Ontario. It is a beautiful, ancient-feeling part of the world, haunted by American-Indian lore. I returned a few years ago and it was as if time had stood still. When I was in my teens, we carried 70-pound pack on our backs and 75-pound wooden canoes over mile-long portages. I don't know how I got through it, but it stayed with me. Soloing a canoe through hail and lightning storms, being at one with the elements and beyond civilization is something that I came to embrace and find solace in. It is the blueprint for what brings me life and peace. The people I was with came from all parts of the world and that completed the universality of the experience.
I've been divorced now for 7 years. My boys have been my priority leading me to this next phase that starts this coming year. My course will be altered. I left my heart open to the possibility of love and a new family, but I new that would be difficult with the circumstances and that my focus had to remain on my children's needs, my needs would come later if necessary. Along the way I had opportunities for companionship, but it was a lonely journey for the most part. To maintain clarity and not get carried away with a temporary compromise based solely on emotion, as I had done in the past, I stood on one primary question directed to myself or any person I would consider another relationship with:
Where are you going?
There will be hailstorms and fog and log jams, but ultimately we all have a destination in mind. Short term and long term. If we don't, then we should probably figure it out or end up owning someone else's direction as our own.
I haven't run into anyone heading in the same direction yet, but if I had, the questions would evolve to where are "we" going? How can we help each other? What are we doing well? What do we need to improve?
After 7 years of little inspiration for a long-term relationship, it really excites me to think that on the journey next year in Spain, all the people along that path will be going to the same place, we will all be able to help each other, encourage each other, and I gather that even as we depart from one another, whatever the journeys beyond that, they will have a similar penchant.
It will be a canoe experience which will inevitably lead to another, and another...
Thursday, March 17, 2016
DEPLETION
Children, work, hobbies, all have to be balanced with self-care. Once we become depleted, expect too much from ourselves and each other, our marriages, bodies and lives suffer.
Let me tell you a story about one particular family. Successful, huge heart for the world, life, faith, beautiful and large family, not overly materialistic in their pursuits, but comfortable and genuinely caring in their efforts. I used to see them from a distance and call them the "perfect family".
After watching several seemingly "perfect" families and people fall apart, I have started to think that it's the ones who wear their hearts and struggles on the sleeves that may be the healthier ones. They are the real ones who don't need to keep up appearances at all costs. They muster through the trenches of life, not making any apologies for the sweat on their brow or the wrinkles on their skin.
Depletion is when we have nothing left to give to anyone after a full day's work, constant pokes from people via emails and advertising, texts, working out, feeding children and housework... We need to give to ourselves in order to give to others, and instead of seeking and adapting to impactful change that would allow for more down time, we want or have to keep going even if it means giving it all up or watching our families fail. There is the reality of what change will bring and whether everyone wants to subscribe to what is needed. Letting go of our wants and expectations for something seemingly less is difficult, even if it ends up being something more that we just can't see at the time. Coping strategies are helpful, but also change over time and are hard to figure out. The odds are stacked against us with what it takes to succeed in this hyper-efficient and over-productive America.
It breaks my heart to see the man and/or woman in the midst of a mid-life crisis and not be able to rescue them. They are in the desert. I see them every day. They are beautifully and innocently vulnerable to all the things that will serve to teach them life's hardest lessons, if they don't break in the process. God bless them all and carry them through the coming storms.
Let me tell you a story about one particular family. Successful, huge heart for the world, life, faith, beautiful and large family, not overly materialistic in their pursuits, but comfortable and genuinely caring in their efforts. I used to see them from a distance and call them the "perfect family".
After watching several seemingly "perfect" families and people fall apart, I have started to think that it's the ones who wear their hearts and struggles on the sleeves that may be the healthier ones. They are the real ones who don't need to keep up appearances at all costs. They muster through the trenches of life, not making any apologies for the sweat on their brow or the wrinkles on their skin.
Depletion is when we have nothing left to give to anyone after a full day's work, constant pokes from people via emails and advertising, texts, working out, feeding children and housework... We need to give to ourselves in order to give to others, and instead of seeking and adapting to impactful change that would allow for more down time, we want or have to keep going even if it means giving it all up or watching our families fail. There is the reality of what change will bring and whether everyone wants to subscribe to what is needed. Letting go of our wants and expectations for something seemingly less is difficult, even if it ends up being something more that we just can't see at the time. Coping strategies are helpful, but also change over time and are hard to figure out. The odds are stacked against us with what it takes to succeed in this hyper-efficient and over-productive America.
It breaks my heart to see the man and/or woman in the midst of a mid-life crisis and not be able to rescue them. They are in the desert. I see them every day. They are beautifully and innocently vulnerable to all the things that will serve to teach them life's hardest lessons, if they don't break in the process. God bless them all and carry them through the coming storms.
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
LEPRECHAUNS AND UNICORNS
There is one of many magical wells in the countryside not too far from the banks of the enchanting river Slaney in Ireland, a few miles south of the town of Enniscorty in County Wexford. It is a well-kept and almost forgotten secret. Many generations have contributed offerings in the hopes of eliciting the well's power and influence over the course of events. Those offerings are still there in the form of flowers, small statues, household items.
Ireland is a magical land where the landscape changes color and texture in an uncanny way. Distances are not what they appear and the air is saturated with a sense of thinness between what is visible and what lies beyond the perception of our 5 senses. Because of this the Irish have a rich tradition of tales unique and very much influenced by nature and and it's inherent spiritual elements. Trees morph into wizards and mists cloaks medieval castles and hills in a way that throws you back in time and into submission and respect for a mostly forgotten time and way of existence.
Anyone familiar with Irish lore will know about leprechauns, how they sprang from the spirited landscape and that they hide their cache of treasure at the elusive ends of rainbows. Because unicorns also make their homes in these areas, it is likely that they are to come across each other once in a while. Leprechauns are even able to have the privilege of getting to ride the noble creature. It is even said that anyone who catches a glimpse of this phenomenon will attain immortality and eternal good luck, since it is one of the rarest and most magical sights on earth.
That's all I have to say about that right now.
Ireland is a magical land where the landscape changes color and texture in an uncanny way. Distances are not what they appear and the air is saturated with a sense of thinness between what is visible and what lies beyond the perception of our 5 senses. Because of this the Irish have a rich tradition of tales unique and very much influenced by nature and and it's inherent spiritual elements. Trees morph into wizards and mists cloaks medieval castles and hills in a way that throws you back in time and into submission and respect for a mostly forgotten time and way of existence.
Anyone familiar with Irish lore will know about leprechauns, how they sprang from the spirited landscape and that they hide their cache of treasure at the elusive ends of rainbows. Because unicorns also make their homes in these areas, it is likely that they are to come across each other once in a while. Leprechauns are even able to have the privilege of getting to ride the noble creature. It is even said that anyone who catches a glimpse of this phenomenon will attain immortality and eternal good luck, since it is one of the rarest and most magical sights on earth.
That's all I have to say about that right now.
Monday, February 15, 2016
LIMITS
I am four weeks post-hip-replacement-surgery and I feel a little disappointed in myself. Granted I am bouncing back better than most and my progress is marked each day, this is a new experience to me in terms of constant nagging pain over so many weeks. Prior to surgery there was deferred pain to my back that was also constant, which thankfully has now almost all but disappeared. So why is this side of it that much harder to deal with? Is it the additional side effects of narcotic medication? The up and down nature of the recovery where one day I feel wonderful and strong and the next I don't want to move all day? The fact that my emotions have been peaked by certain elements of the personal relationships in my life becoming more exposed? Because when the patient goes down, peripheral sources of frustration become even more suppressing than the illness itself.
I've worked as a Chaplain for 7 years and we are trained to focus on the patient and what they need in the moment we are with them. If only I could gently impart that to those who surround me, in their desire to show concern or care.
To my parents who have never really been a strong presence, all of a sudden want to send me frivolous emails 10 times a day and demand a response. I am not interested in blasting the Muslims and I've answered your logistical concerns over and over again. Please give me peace and leave me alone as you have always done. It is what I am used to. Anything you could offer you have never really been able to offer, so I thank you for your concern, but status quo is better than my needing to reassure you I am still alive 2500 miles away every few minutes. I will let you know if something is wrong. Where is this worry with respect to the other possibly even more critical issued in our midst? Nonetheless I thank you for trying to be present in whatever capacity you are able to.
To my son, a selfish teenager in the apex of his antiauthoritarian phase of life, I apologize for breaking and not taking your mess and irresponsibility in stride like I normally do. Please try not to make things harder on me by giving me more physical work to do in this limited state.
To my lover and best friend who has led me along a confused path of romanticism for the last 4+ years. I appreciate your constant presence in the hospital and your help in finding the best course of treatment, but as always you are full on or full off, and it has made my recovery a little harder knowing how you were able to be there so completely for 2 whole days, and then shrank back into the other world you live in, dashing any and all opportunities for progress, yet again. It hurts more than my wound and I miss you. If nothing else it continues to direct my future path in alternate directions.
Praise to my friends, who know me, my sense of independence, my vulnerabilities and who respect them in every sense. Their offers of prayer, to be present, to serve in any capacity without limitation, without presumption or pushiness for their own sense of what I might need is wonderfully appreciated and gives me security in not feeling lost or abandoned.
Finally, to myself, who sometimes thinks that after all I've been through, there isn't much that can take me down. Knowing I will overcome, regardless, but now experiencing first-hand that the process of aging and the body failing is not to be taken lightly. To allow myself to slow down as much as I need to deal with this recovery and other eventual shortcomings, and take stock of the things that are lacking or too compromising in my life in order to face those future needs is something to be reckoned with. It is hard to go through life alone, I hope I don't have to do it much longer. I am alone amongst my friends in terms of lacking companionship. It is something I have been trying to work on for a while, and in some ways I have. In others I feel have fallen short or have been withheld from personal commitment for something yet to be seen, or to be able to give my boys what they need in a critical time where other factors are seriously lacking. In any case, the recent added focus and effect of this hole in my life is one that needs careful consideration in what the future brings.
Where my bucket list is a wonderful reprieve from much work and sacrifice, it is to be tempered with peace about other areas in life and not to become or looked at as an alternative to the soulful companionship we all need. A possible addendum to my bucket list pursuits, rather than giving it more power by its omission: committed partnership with a kind, well-balanced but passionate person.
I've worked as a Chaplain for 7 years and we are trained to focus on the patient and what they need in the moment we are with them. If only I could gently impart that to those who surround me, in their desire to show concern or care.
To my parents who have never really been a strong presence, all of a sudden want to send me frivolous emails 10 times a day and demand a response. I am not interested in blasting the Muslims and I've answered your logistical concerns over and over again. Please give me peace and leave me alone as you have always done. It is what I am used to. Anything you could offer you have never really been able to offer, so I thank you for your concern, but status quo is better than my needing to reassure you I am still alive 2500 miles away every few minutes. I will let you know if something is wrong. Where is this worry with respect to the other possibly even more critical issued in our midst? Nonetheless I thank you for trying to be present in whatever capacity you are able to.
To my son, a selfish teenager in the apex of his antiauthoritarian phase of life, I apologize for breaking and not taking your mess and irresponsibility in stride like I normally do. Please try not to make things harder on me by giving me more physical work to do in this limited state.
To my lover and best friend who has led me along a confused path of romanticism for the last 4+ years. I appreciate your constant presence in the hospital and your help in finding the best course of treatment, but as always you are full on or full off, and it has made my recovery a little harder knowing how you were able to be there so completely for 2 whole days, and then shrank back into the other world you live in, dashing any and all opportunities for progress, yet again. It hurts more than my wound and I miss you. If nothing else it continues to direct my future path in alternate directions.
Praise to my friends, who know me, my sense of independence, my vulnerabilities and who respect them in every sense. Their offers of prayer, to be present, to serve in any capacity without limitation, without presumption or pushiness for their own sense of what I might need is wonderfully appreciated and gives me security in not feeling lost or abandoned.
Finally, to myself, who sometimes thinks that after all I've been through, there isn't much that can take me down. Knowing I will overcome, regardless, but now experiencing first-hand that the process of aging and the body failing is not to be taken lightly. To allow myself to slow down as much as I need to deal with this recovery and other eventual shortcomings, and take stock of the things that are lacking or too compromising in my life in order to face those future needs is something to be reckoned with. It is hard to go through life alone, I hope I don't have to do it much longer. I am alone amongst my friends in terms of lacking companionship. It is something I have been trying to work on for a while, and in some ways I have. In others I feel have fallen short or have been withheld from personal commitment for something yet to be seen, or to be able to give my boys what they need in a critical time where other factors are seriously lacking. In any case, the recent added focus and effect of this hole in my life is one that needs careful consideration in what the future brings.
Where my bucket list is a wonderful reprieve from much work and sacrifice, it is to be tempered with peace about other areas in life and not to become or looked at as an alternative to the soulful companionship we all need. A possible addendum to my bucket list pursuits, rather than giving it more power by its omission: committed partnership with a kind, well-balanced but passionate person.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
TRUST
It is the end of July and I just got back from my yearly epic trip out west! Cycling through the Cascades and around Crater Lake was a wonderful reprieve from a tough first half of the year. It fueled my spirit where my confidence and ability were being challenged by finances, work stress, and relationships, making me feel the years and wear. We all have a secret formula to what makes us overcome, persevere and rise to greater heights, one of the main ingredients for me it is to escape on a voyage through nature's many wonders with kindred spirits. I desperately tried several times this year to get there. I was thwarted by various factors; family challenges, storms, bad timing... It was getting to the point where I was questioning if I should just give up on the goal and simply hunker down until next year. I made uncertain shots in the dark at scheduling a new adventure, not really thinking they would materialize and even if they did, I thought something would surely come along to derail my attempt before I got there.
Whatever leads us to a particular place at a particular time with particular people (often strangers the way I travel) never seems completely random. For whatever I went through to finally get there, the particular people I met last week were unique in their strength, inspiration, and appreciation of the journey and each other as we breathed in the rich oxygenated air of the Ponderosa Pine, swooped down the miles of curves with rarely another soul in sight aside from the bucks and bunnies, ground up the long miles of incline to ancient lava fields of basalt giving way to magnificent views of majestic peaks: Hood, Jefferson, Hope, Grace and Charity, weaved in and out of the PCT and encountered even more intrepid voyageurs at the trailheads.
It granted me perspective on life back home, beckoned me to stay, alternately, it inspired to pursue. I arrived knowing I belonged in my heart, and as the week went on, the trust in my resolve and desire to get there for all the right reasons was affirmed. Clarity came regarding the triggers throughout daily routines that invade any time for retreat at home. I was able to take time and feed my soul on my own terms, not according to imposed limitations. I thought about what I could start removing from my life to give more space to certain people, nature, and reading (I went through 5 books in two weeks, where I couldn't even get through one in the last 6 months!).
So I challenge the reader: take inventory of your life, your friends, your activities, your depth. Visualize what you want it to be according to your own criteria, not the world's, appreciate what the natural world has to offer us, and even if it takes years, nurture it and live it!
Whatever leads us to a particular place at a particular time with particular people (often strangers the way I travel) never seems completely random. For whatever I went through to finally get there, the particular people I met last week were unique in their strength, inspiration, and appreciation of the journey and each other as we breathed in the rich oxygenated air of the Ponderosa Pine, swooped down the miles of curves with rarely another soul in sight aside from the bucks and bunnies, ground up the long miles of incline to ancient lava fields of basalt giving way to magnificent views of majestic peaks: Hood, Jefferson, Hope, Grace and Charity, weaved in and out of the PCT and encountered even more intrepid voyageurs at the trailheads.
It granted me perspective on life back home, beckoned me to stay, alternately, it inspired to pursue. I arrived knowing I belonged in my heart, and as the week went on, the trust in my resolve and desire to get there for all the right reasons was affirmed. Clarity came regarding the triggers throughout daily routines that invade any time for retreat at home. I was able to take time and feed my soul on my own terms, not according to imposed limitations. I thought about what I could start removing from my life to give more space to certain people, nature, and reading (I went through 5 books in two weeks, where I couldn't even get through one in the last 6 months!).
So I challenge the reader: take inventory of your life, your friends, your activities, your depth. Visualize what you want it to be according to your own criteria, not the world's, appreciate what the natural world has to offer us, and even if it takes years, nurture it and live it!
Smith Rock - Oregon
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