I want to talk about love today. Don't expect any great wisdom from this woman, just a perspective on personal experience, that is both tragic and freeing. I have a hard time embracing either fully and try to find peace in the reality of the tension that exists between the two. I am a survivor of love, a cynic in today's world, but open to miracles and surprises.
The country rejoices in the legalization of same sex marriage, and proclamations of love are everywhere. More and more I see marriage is a legal consideration, it does not a healthy, loving relationship make, and often it is a precursor to bringing dysfunction to the surface. Of course it is supposed to represent the epitome of all good things, but to me the writing on the wall reads more court process and higher divorce rates. But let the people go where they will and grow and learn from it.
I am 7 years out of a 15-year marriage. One in which I struggled through in its entirety. I may have idealistic views on romance and how connected a husband and wife can be, but it is a vision I cannot surrender, as much as I try to glean from others who seem to be able to co-exist in a marriage with very limited common ground. Rather than settle for something less than what my heart seeks and yearns for, I prefer to be on my own, enjoying a comfortably-distanced friendship over full-blown commitment. It certainly leaves one with a hollow in the chest at times, but it is better than the alternative that develops when we commit without really knowing what is at hand or not listening to the very real red flags that pop up but are quashed by our hopes and desires.
Nonetheless, in spite of all my unfruitful efforts, I pray that it will fall into my lap one day because truly, life is better with love in it. A passionate love that breaks down all your walls and leaves you helpless and completely vulnerable in trust and responsibility to one another. I have loved this love, and I know how it feels. Unfortunately, I also know how it feels when it is not reciprocated.
I do seek love and that special one on one shared security and companionship. I don't know if I will realize it, but I know my heart still swells thanks to the many blessings that surround me. My experiences inevitably build intimacy with friends and strangers, which unite us with that common Spirit that reflects the deeper yearnings of my heart in its very essence, crossing all boundaries. What's more they are life-giving and within reach.
When I think about how people frame their journeys; as a mission, escape, adventure, cultural exploration... and if there might not be something to the fact that I am running away from life, I suppose there are elements of all of those things that come into play, but what is important is that it feels like my comfort zone given who and where I am, with the options open to me.
Time, talent and treasures I have, and my conscience is free knowing I have worked hard, am responsible, have the ability to speak several languages and relate to many cultures, I know I have a lot to give to people in terms of hearing them, helping them and being with them on their journeys to some extent. What's more I feel drawn to these experiences, I see myself living them, and I know that they will provide much in and of themselves in terms of meaning and effect. There is peace in their pursuit, even though it may not conform to convention.
