One of the greatest and often unhelpful personal instincts I have worked hard to overcome over the years has been flight. I am non-confrontational, but passionate (must have something to do with the Irish-Italian heritage).
When I was younger and faced with bad situations, bad choices (my own or others), my instinct was to flee. It was a cycle that never brought any true progress to being more at peace with things, but it did help me survive the immediate. I fled from family, relationships, and eventually I even fled from Montreal (which looking back I think was a necessary precursor to eventual relative peace).
After I had my children, this instinct was greatly suppressed. I knew I did not want to pass on whatever I was carrying from one situation to the next to them, so I stayed and went with the other option: fight. I stayed even when I probably should not have. I stayed through 15 years of an abusive marriage with assistance of 10 different therapists on the sidelines. At least the effort and desire was there to work on it.
My flight response is still very much alive, but the situations are less critical and I use it as a signal to guide me to safety rather than toxicity or distance. There is always the opportunity for me to work on the things that I want to work on, and that is to be in a decent relationship where I can grasp the knee-jerk feelings I get and overcome them for the greater benefit that lies inherent in it, rather than just pushing it aside to accommodate a short-term agenda. I want to continue to grow here.
Part of this is recognizing that I haven't really had the resources (the time or the support) to nurture this while being a single-parent with three jobs, going to school and trying to keep myself sane through a demanding but empowering exercise program. But maybe now I do, and with other challenges and demands giving way, the thought of this great opportunity has been giving me life and hope.
My bucket list dreams are not necessarily impacted by this, the bucket list is not a flight mechanism. It simply reflects a shift in responsibility, from my children which has been the primary focus for the last 20 years, to myself and others. It has also allowed for my head to dream, get inspired and tune into parts of myself that were buried years ago. Sometimes the dreaming is enough, but whenever we can, we should try to put feet to our good thoughts.
I think I am going to be facing some difficult moments in the more personal and less clinical catalytic pursuits of balanced wholeness.
