LIMITS

I am four weeks post-hip-replacement-surgery and I feel a little disappointed in myself.  Granted I am bouncing back better than most and my progress is marked each day, this is a new experience to me in terms of constant nagging pain over so many weeks.  Prior to surgery there was deferred pain to my back that was also constant, which thankfully has now almost all but disappeared.  So why is this side of it that much harder to deal with?  Is it the additional side effects of narcotic medication?  The up and down nature of the recovery where one day I feel wonderful and strong and the next I don't want to move all day?  The fact that my emotions have been peaked by certain elements of the personal relationships in my life becoming more exposed?  Because when the patient goes down, peripheral sources of frustration become even more suppressing than the illness itself.

I've worked as a Chaplain for 7 years and we are trained to focus on the patient and what they need in the moment we are with them.  If only I could gently impart that to those who surround me, in their desire to show concern or care.

To my parents who have never really been a strong presence, all of a sudden want to send me frivolous emails 10 times a day and demand a response.  I am not interested in blasting the Muslims and I've answered your logistical concerns over and over again.  Please give me peace and leave me alone as you have always done.  It is what I am used to.  Anything you could offer you have never really been able to offer, so I thank you for your concern, but status quo is better than my needing to reassure you I am still alive 2500 miles away every few minutes.  I will let you know if something is wrong.  Where is this worry with respect to the other possibly even more critical issued in our midst? Nonetheless I thank you for trying to be present in whatever capacity you are able to.

To my son, a selfish teenager in the apex of his antiauthoritarian phase of life, I apologize for breaking and not taking your mess and irresponsibility in stride like I normally do.  Please try not to make things harder on me by giving me more physical work to do in this limited state.

To my lover and best friend who has led me along a confused path of romanticism for the last 4+ years.  I appreciate your constant presence in the hospital and your help in finding the best course of treatment, but as always you are full on or full off, and it has made my recovery a little harder knowing how you were able to be there so completely for 2 whole days, and then shrank back into the other world you live in, dashing any and all opportunities for progress, yet again.  It hurts more than my wound and I miss you.  If nothing else it continues to direct my future path in alternate directions.

Praise to my friends, who know me, my sense of independence, my vulnerabilities and who respect them in every sense.  Their offers of prayer, to be present, to serve in any capacity without limitation, without presumption or pushiness for their own sense of what I might need is wonderfully appreciated and gives me security in not feeling lost or abandoned.

Finally, to myself, who sometimes thinks that after all I've been through, there isn't much that can take me down.  Knowing I will overcome, regardless, but now experiencing first-hand that the process of aging and the body failing is not to be taken lightly.  To allow myself to slow down as much as I need to deal with this recovery and other eventual shortcomings, and take stock of the things that are lacking or too compromising in my life in order to face those future needs is something to be reckoned with.  It is hard to go through life alone, I hope I don't have to do it much longer.  I am alone amongst my friends in terms of lacking companionship.  It is something I have been trying to work on for a while, and in some ways I have.  In others I feel have fallen short or have been withheld from personal commitment for something yet to be seen, or to be able to give my boys what they need in a critical time where other factors are seriously lacking.  In any case, the recent added focus and effect of this hole in my life is one that needs careful consideration in what the future brings.

Where my bucket list is a wonderful reprieve from much work and sacrifice, it is to be tempered with peace about other areas in life and not to become or looked at as an alternative to the soulful companionship we all need.  A possible addendum to my bucket list pursuits, rather than giving it more power by its omission:  committed partnership with a kind, well-balanced but passionate person.

TRUST

It is the end of July and I just got back from my yearly epic trip out west!  Cycling through the Cascades and around Crater Lake was a wonderful reprieve from a tough first half of the year.  It fueled my spirit where my confidence and ability were being challenged by finances, work stress, and relationships, making me feel the years and wear.  We all have a secret formula to what makes us overcome, persevere and rise to greater heights, one of the main ingredients for me it is to escape on a voyage through nature's many wonders with kindred spirits.  I desperately tried several times this year to get there.  I was thwarted by various factors; family challenges, storms, bad timing...  It was getting to the point where I was questioning if I should just give up on the goal and simply hunker down until next year.  I made uncertain shots in the dark at scheduling a new adventure, not really thinking they would materialize and even if they did, I thought something would surely come along to derail my attempt before I got there.

Whatever leads us to a particular place at a particular time with particular people (often strangers the way I travel) never seems completely random.  For whatever I went through to finally get there, the particular people I met last week were unique in their strength, inspiration, and appreciation of the journey and each other as we breathed in the rich oxygenated air of the Ponderosa Pine, swooped down the miles of curves with rarely another soul in sight aside from the bucks and bunnies, ground up the long miles of incline to ancient lava fields of basalt giving way to magnificent views of majestic peaks: Hood, Jefferson, Hope, Grace and Charity, weaved in and out of the PCT and encountered even more intrepid voyageurs at the trailheads.

It granted me perspective on life back home, beckoned me to stay, alternately, it inspired to pursue.  I arrived knowing I belonged in my heart, and as the week went on, the trust in my resolve and desire to get there for all the right reasons was affirmed.  Clarity came regarding the triggers throughout daily routines that invade any time for retreat at home.  I was able to take time and feed my soul on my own terms, not according to imposed limitations.  I thought about what I could start removing from my life to give more space to certain people, nature, and reading (I went through 5 books in two weeks, where I couldn't even get through one in the last 6 months!).

So I challenge the reader: take inventory of your life, your friends, your activities, your depth.  Visualize what you want it to be according to your own criteria, not the world's, appreciate what the natural world has to offer us, and even if it takes years, nurture it and live it!

Smith Rock - Oregon

SOMETIMES YOU CATCH THE WIND

Major life change can be intimidating.  We all hope for good things, but the reality of stretching ourselves to the adjustments of new contexts is usually difficult in some respect.  In spite of the growing pains and losses that accompany change, I find grounding and gratitude in options available to me, and I make every effort to try to chose the best one available.

In searching for direction, other than what I already anticipate for myself, I gently knock on various doors, and with input from close friends and mentors who are willing to be honest and bold with me, lean into some of those spaces with greater emphasis.  It became very clear through this process what is a priority and what isn’t, possibilities to be pursued at a later time and what lies at hand.  I think of this a little like nudging the Divine in collaborating in the creative process.  

I briefly described my political outlook in a previous post and here is the other relevant but sensitive piece: faith.  Raised non-practicing Catholic, distanced from the Church for a couple of decades while exploring philosophy, atheism, Buddhism, and other distractions and paths to enlightenment.  I re-engaged the Christian faith through protestant training and have found a church home for the last 8 years at a United Methodist Church in Tampa where I feel free to practice my faith within and beyond the confines of the Church property.  I need to feel freedom as well as accountability in my walk with God.  It’s been a long journey providing me with points of connection and understanding of many other ideas that speak of overlapping universal truths.  It’s those truths that may differ in small details or metaphor that help me believe there is something greater and good at hand, working to guide us.  

That may sound wishy-washy, but as a human being, not a rock or an insect, my grounding is definitely and always comes back to the precepts and identity of the Christian faith for affirmation and confirmation in my thoughts and actions...  While still fleshing out some of the aspects of the more common creeds I do believe in a Creator God; a holy, merciful and good presence, who seeks to reach and help us through all the challenges and chaos in this world that seek to undermine His will.  I believe in His Spirit; the inspiration that accompanies us always as believers, and particularly instrumental in His influence when we allow Him to work through us and are sensitive to the spiritual elements in our midst.  And Christ; our blessed example and mediator when faced with the impossible task of understanding and glorifying the greatness of the divine in difficult circumstances and particularly in dealing with others.  

This has always been a major consideration in my awareness of events, personal pursuits, my life’s mission and in the direction I am heading.  I enjoy but am not bound to the security of the temple and I am more often than not left wanting by the short and light content of most Bible studies.  I do enjoy a good sermon and fellowship and I like to see the Christian calling lived out in Kingdom-building ways in our community and by extension in the world.  Each to his own spiritual gifts and inclinations, I value greatly those who serve in all their respects. 

This faith gives me the confidence that whatever, wherever life presents, I am not alone.  There is affirmation and blessing and usually a whole lot of fast-paced events that fall into place one after another when a shift is in play.  

There are times, of course, I have taken the wrong road, and found myself climbing a hill to desolation and depletion.  There are plenty of lessons that still need to be learned.  Sometimes I felt like something was being presented as an opportunity where it was really a temptation.  It is not necessarily a good or bad thing, it is often something I needed to work on and be steadfast in my patience and obedience about.  It makes it even harder to discern when we don’t like where we are.  In those times, I just shake my head at my own inabilities and throw my hands up in submission… and things usually get better from that point on.

Then there are those awesome, vital, glorious, anabolic times where I’ve hit the nail on the head.  I found myself thankful for the wind at my back, riding in complete synchrony with all that surrounds me and everything working together without any perceivable negative impact involved.  Those times are by the grace of God, nothing I could ever orchestrate or dream up of on my own and I am fortunate to have had my share of them in life.

Let me give you one of my first real experiences of this feeling.  In 1988, I was 22 years old and got a job crewing as first mate on the sailboat of a retired newspaper owner in San Diego.  The intentions were to sail to the South Pacific, but after a month at dock in Cabo San Lucas and the owners imperfect health, it became clear to me that the well laid plans were not going to fruition.  I ran into a Captain from a fishing vessel who was looking for someone to navigate a three week delivery from Chula Vista to Hawaii and decided that would be a good transition stint.  The problem was I was stuck in a tiny little undeveloped bay in the Sea of Cortez, Bahia Los Frailes, which is now a National Park.  The winds were too high for the owner to move the boat and my window of opportunity was growing short.

One morning I woke up completely exasperated from being stranded for so many days.  I packed my bag and asked for a lift to shore in the dinghy.  Somehow I would find my way 150 miles to La Paz, without a road in sight, completely at the mercy of whatever lay beyond the brush past the beach.  I carried a medium-sized duffle bag that contained my documents, foul weather gear, a few books, some clothes that tended not to last very long and got replaced by other items along the way, about $20, a bottle of water and a pack of peanut M & M’s.

The wind minimized the heat, but the dust was terrible and I tied a bandana around my nose and mouth to help me breathe easier.   The shrubs were thin enough to find your way through, and I headed straight inland.  My primary concern was rattlesnakes.  We had hiked the mountain by the bay the day before and it was infested with them.  Thankfully and to my surprise after a few hundred yards and no rattlesnakes, I came across a dirt road.  I headed North.  I walked along for an hour or so when a small pick-up truck came rumbling along slowly from behind me.  There were two men in the truck.  I hesitated after a negative experience with some locals in Cabo, but these were country people, and the small waterfront villages had always been good to us as strangers on the boat.  I waved them down.  My Spanish had improved from the time I had spent in Cabo, and I asked them about a road to La Paz, if there there was a bus and how far away it was.  They nodded and pointed but had no clue about schedules.  I asked them for a lift to the road where the bus ran and they obliged.  They brought me to a crossroads with a paved road.  There was a small deserted bus shelter on one side of the road.  I thanked them, gave them a couple of dollars, and they drove off.

The bus shelter was devoid of life or information.  I sat and waited, thinking maybe another car will drive by.  Nothing.  I read a book and stayed in the shade.   Slowly, and seemingly out of nowhere, people started appearing, walking towards the shelter.  There was a boy with his father, a couple of others looking at me with curiosity.  Apart from the way they were dressed, I knew from trading candy and cokes for fresh fish along the coast that these people lived on very little.  I opened my pack of M & M’s and shared.  Smiles all around.  It was good fellowship with minimal interaction.  The bus finally came.  I gave the driver $7 for a ride to La Paz, another $5 got me to the airport where I could use my credit card to buy a plane ticket to San Diego and some food.  I spent a night in San Diego at the Salvation Army shelter there, where I came very close to having everything stolen by a homeless woman, and the next day I found my boat and was ready to head further east, as originally intended.  

I am not a regular wing and a prayer type of adventurer.  There is usually a little more planning and understanding of logistics involved when I want to go somewhere.  I found it pretty amazing that I was able to find my way so serendipitously from the isolation of a small boat anchored in the Sea of Cortez to my destination in another country about 1000 miles away in one day.  This experience is one of many of its nature that have served to overcome my fears about taking certain risks, minimizing the need for control, remaining flexible and humble, and engaging other cultures.  That was a day I caught the wind.

ELEPHANT

I want to talk about love today.  Don't expect any great wisdom from this woman, just a perspective on personal experience, that is both tragic and freeing.  I have a hard time embracing either fully and try to find peace in the reality of the tension that exists between the two.  I am a survivor of love, a cynic in today's world, but open to miracles and surprises.

The country rejoices in the legalization of same sex marriage, and proclamations of love are everywhere.  More and more I see marriage is a legal consideration, it does not a healthy, loving relationship make, and often it is a precursor to bringing dysfunction to the surface.  Of course it is supposed to represent the epitome of all good things, but to me the writing on the wall reads more court process and higher divorce rates.   But let the people go where they will and grow and learn from it.

I am 7 years out of a 15-year marriage.  One in which I struggled through in its entirety.  I may have idealistic views on romance and how connected a husband and wife can be, but it is a vision I cannot surrender, as much as I try to glean from others who seem to be able to co-exist in a marriage with very limited common ground.  Rather than settle for something less than what my heart seeks and yearns for, I prefer to be on my own, enjoying a comfortably-distanced friendship over full-blown commitment.  It certainly leaves one with a hollow in the chest at times, but it is better than the alternative that develops when we commit without really knowing what is at hand or not listening to the very real red flags that pop up but are quashed by our hopes and desires.

Nonetheless, in spite of all my unfruitful efforts, I pray that it will fall into my lap one day because truly, life is better with love in it.  A passionate love that breaks down all your walls and leaves you helpless and completely vulnerable in trust and responsibility to one another.  I have loved this love, and I know how it feels.  Unfortunately, I also know how it feels when it is not reciprocated.

I do seek love and that special one on one shared security and companionship.  I don't know if I will realize it, but I know my heart still swells thanks to the many blessings that surround me.  My experiences inevitably build intimacy with friends and strangers, which unite us with that common Spirit that reflects the deeper yearnings of my heart in its very essence, crossing all boundaries.  What's more they are life-giving and within reach.

When I think about how people frame their journeys; as a mission, escape, adventure, cultural exploration... and if there might not be something to the fact that I am running away from life, I suppose there are elements of all of those things that come into play, but what is important is that it feels like my comfort zone given who and where I am, with the options open to me.

Time, talent and treasures I have, and my conscience is free knowing I have worked hard, am responsible, have the ability to speak several languages and relate to many cultures, I know I have a lot to give to people in terms of hearing them, helping them and being with them on their journeys to some extent.  What's more I feel drawn to these experiences, I see myself living them, and I know that they will provide much in and of themselves in terms of meaning and effect.  There is peace in their pursuit, even though it may not conform to convention.

FOOD AND SHELTER

One of the things that distinguishes travel choice between people is the level of comfort and/or service they expect to have on their experience.  I have several great friends who, as much as we love and appreciate each other, look at me sideways when I talk about some of my pursuits.  The women wonder how I could subject myself to the discomfort that some of them entail and the men usually want to help me find a way to avoid it.

For four years I tried to convince someone to join me in training for an Ironman-Distance triathlon race, and for four years no one seemed remotely interested.  We try to journey out West on our bikes for a week each year and of all the necessities that are provided, I don't think any are more important to me than running water and a decent meal.  The rest is inconsequential.  I don't care who I sit at dinner with, if there is a cafeteria or room service, an outhouse or a spa.  I tend to gravitate to fewer amenities for the levels and depths of experience directly associated with them.  It usually means you are going to remoter areas, with fewer people who share a more specific focus, interest and ability.

The Camino, because of its duration, will be particular in this respect.  I like the idea that I share the same desires for pursuing the walk as many that I have read about (physical, spiritual, intellectual).  I've heard tales of not finding shelter and having to travel several more miles into the night to find a place to rest, bed bugs in some of the hostels, mean dogs along the way...  The thing is, there are  experiences from my past where sleeping in strange places, sometimes infested with insects, rain infiltration, limited food supply, prolonged exposure to the elements - all have become a part of life that I accept and even embrace for the raw nature and feeling of oneness that comes with it.

2-week canoe trips in Algonquin Park carrying 70b packs started it off when I was a teenager.  Spending weeks crossing oceans on small sailboats with two other crew members in all kinds of weather and with carious personalities added to it in my 20's.  Testing and endurance limits in swimming, running, and biking over the last 15 years has given me confidence in pursuing and embracing my goals, whatever they may be and whatever they may bring.  Let us not exclude the kind of contribution that raising two boys on my own can foster in terms of caring, patience, strength, perseverance and resourcefulness!

The window of opportunity is always limited in terms of time and physical ability, but I believe that I have enough of both of those to get through most of my bucket list, and that as the items on that list are pursued, my body will respond positively and that the window of opportunity will be extended and the list will grow as well.

May these posts serve to chronicle the journeys, or at least the hope for them.

WILDERNESS

What is this call to wilderness?  I find myself seeking open or green spaces to rest in at some point in my day.  My body still aches less than my soul does for the benefits of retreat.

A fundamental concept that serves to motivate or demotivate direction is the fact that money, a necessary tool, is a limited factor in the world, no matter how the treasuries or financing entities like to skew things.  There is only a certain amount of money of inherent value, which is enough to go around and clothe and feed everyone on this planet.  So when there are people sick and starving while others are buying yachts and mansions, there is a moral problem.  Inspired by Rich Mullins, I try to live on what the average American makes (which, at the time of this writing is about $50,000/year).  Rather than hoarding, I’ve tried to give work to people who are honest, willing and needing.  I try to find charities to get involved with that are not simply a tax deduction, but actually make a concrete difference in people’s lives and require something more of me that simply writing a check.  Food and shelter need not be superfluous in my life, particularly to the detriment of others.  I don’t see these as sacrifices, they are simply a matter of conscience.

So with the opportunity and ability to withdraw with several options, my first priority is to de-condition myself from the culture of habitual and excessive cell phone, computer and TV dependency that serve primarily to propagate the greater corporate machines that run the world.  For a few weeks, I want to check out, be off the grid and meet people on the same grounds as I used to before it all turned into a huge addiction, with the hopes of entertaining perhaps fewer, but realer relationships.  This is why the Camino is ideal in time and place to set the pace for a life with fewer material needs and attachments, furthering ambitions and abilities for other adventures.  I also like it for the space it will hopefully provide to come out of single-parent survival mode.  Wilderness, manna and mercy, rest, nature - they are what I crave to heal the parts of me that have atrophied as a result of these years of productivity.

Political disclaimer:  I am a citizen of countries other than America, and without a vote.  From infancy I travelled and lived abroad and speak from all my enocunters.  I am grateful for the opportunities here and that the American Dream can be a reality for people as long as they don’t get usurped by it in the process.

BUCKET LIST

One of the many things that helped me get through hard times, times of self-sacrifice and unrelenting demand on all my resources, was to visualize places, events, and people I wanted to know and be a part of.  I started a bucket list on my faithful iPhone appendage that I retreated to every once in a while for inspiration.

The list has gotten big and long.  Probably an indication of the trials and the great wealth of opportunities that lie waiting.  I've been getting to one or two of them a year, but the big ones are still out there.  It seems that in times where I feel my future threatened by circumstance, the list quickly gets prioritized, and also led in new and different directions.

The Bucket List is sacred to its holder and everyone has their own dreams and passions.  The list here represents who I am and what I feel will lead me to affirm and expand those areas of life that have been of great comfort and benefit to me over the years.  Many are related to faith, nature, peace, family, personal history, and adventure.  Most are by bike or foot.  I've tried to list them in no particular order as best as possible apart from the initiation journey on the Camino.

Perhaps one or more will serve to inspire:

Europe:

Hike Camino de Santiago (fall '16)
Bike Cross country
Hike Wainswright a coast to coast Hike
Bike Scotland Northern Route
Hike St. Cuthbert's way
Hike St Olav's way
Hike Ben Nevis
Study at Basel University Peace Institute (Oct '15)
Hike Interlachen & Grindewald
Hike Monte Bianco hut to hut/Villa Serbelloni
Bike Vienna to Prague
Season in Kibbutz
Season in Ireland 
Hike Lech at Anton
Cordon Bleu boulangerie school, Audresselles
Labro Art Monastery Italy 
Pluscarden Abbey Scotland
Laugavegur Route Iceland

Africa:

Fez Music Festival

Asia:

Hike Kumano Kodo Japan
Koran monastery Kathmandu (if it is still there)
One World Retreat Bali

America:

Bike cross country
Hike Pacific Crest Trail
Hike Appalachian Trail
Bike Sonoma, Napa, visit Bolinas
Bike San Juan Islands (July)
Bike Outer Banks
Bike Santa Cruz
Catalina Island
Bike Erie Canal (May)
Bike Boards and Blinds Ride (September)
Ride the Rockies (June)
Holden Village/evening prayer
Rainier Trail maintenance
Big Sur New Camaldoli retreat
Climate Ride (NY-DC September)
Coolworks.com
Workamper.com

Hike Fairyland basin

Bike Moab/White Rim Trail, Durango-Silverton-touray-santa fe, Taos
Suwanee Springfest
Magnolia Festival
Telluride
Newfoundland
Bike Nova Scotia



Central America:


Sayulita
Costa Rica 
Bike repair missions (Benedictine Sisters of Florida, Mercy Center SF)
San Andres Island

Events (health permitting):

Leadville
Badwater
Coyote fourplay
Split Rock
3 Mountain Challenge - Nashville